By Beth Ridley
Feedback training often starts with what managers should say. But many managers never get that far. L&D can help them recognize the moment first.
When a stakeholder says managers need to get better at giving feedback, L&D often starts in a familiar place: a conversation model.
We teach managers how to open the discussion, describe behavior, explain impact, ask questions, and agree on next steps. Those skills matter. But they assume the manager has already decided the situation is worth addressing.
That’s where many feedback efforts break down.
Managers may not notice a small behavior issue. Or they notice it and decide it’s not serious enough, wait to see if it happens again, or avoid raising it because they don’t want discomfort.
By the time the issue finally feels big enough to address, the behavior may have become a pattern, affected other people, strained relationships, or started to hurt performance. What could have been a relatively simple conversation now feels much harder to resolve.
For L&D practitioners, that suggests a different starting point. Before we teach managers what to say, we need to help them recognize the moments when feedback is needed.
Feedback Training Often Starts Too Late
Many feedback frameworks are designed to answer a useful question: What should I say?
But managers often need help with an earlier set of questions:
- What am I noticing?
- What’s actually happening?
- Is this something I should address?
- What am I assuming?
- What could happen if I let it go?
Those aren’t communication questions. They’re judgment questions.
That distinction matters because knowing a feedback model doesn’t automatically change feedback behavior. A manager can leave a workshop able to describe the ‘right’ conversation and still avoid having it.
I use a simple framework with clients called SEE IT. SAY IT. SUPPORT IT. It applies to many everyday leadership behaviors, including feedback. For feedback development, L&D may need to spend more time on the first step.
SEE IT: Build the Skill That Comes Before the Conversation
SEE IT has three parts: Notice it. Name it. Understand it.
Notice It
Managers need to become more attentive to the small moments that may warrant feedback.
A team member repeatedly interrupts colleagues in meetings. A strong performer meets deadlines but ignores an agreed process. An employee who used to take initiative has started doing only what’s explicitly requested. Someone dismisses a peer’s idea before asking a single question.
None of these situations may feel urgent. That’s exactly why they’re easy to overlook.
One useful learning activity is to give managers several short workplace situations and ask: What do you notice? What, if anything, would you address? What would make you act now rather than wait?
The goal isn’t to convince managers that every imperfect behavior requires a formal conversation. It’s to strengthen their ability to notice patterns and make a conscious decision instead of defaulting to avoidance.
For L&D, that changes the learning objective, so it also suggests changing the approach: Before role-play, give managers short situations where they first decide whether feedback is needed, explain what they’re noticing, and identify what might keep them from acting.
Name It
Once a manager notices something, the next challenge is naming it accurately:
- ‘Her attitude is bad’ isn’t useful. ‘She dismissed two colleagues’ ideas before they finished’ is specific.
- ‘He’s not accountable’ is a judgment. ‘He missed two internal commitments and didn’t alert the team’ gives the manager something concrete to address.
The more clearly managers can separate observable behavior from their interpretation of it, the easier it becomes to decide whether feedback is warranted—and to enter the conversation without unnecessary judgment.
That suggests another design move: Practice observation, not just delivery. Ask managers to turn labels into observable behavior before planning what to say.
Understand It
Understanding doesn’t mean explaining the behavior away. It means slowing down long enough to separate what the manager knows from what the manager assumes:
- Is this a one-time event or a pattern?
- What impact is the behavior having?
- What might I be missing?
- Have expectations been clear?
- Am I hesitating because the issue is genuinely minor, or because I’m uncomfortable?
That last question matters. Managers sometimes tell themselves, ‘It’s not a big deal,’ when what they really mean is, ‘I’d rather not have this conversation.’ L&D can help managers learn the difference.
SAY IT: Teach the Conversation
Once managers recognize the moment, conversation frameworks become much more useful. But I resist overengineering this part. In a real conversation, managers aren’t going to remember a workshop script word for word. What they can remember is the mindset they want to bring into the moment.
That’s where I put much of the emphasis. The right words and actions are more likely to follow the right mindset. A few questions can help:
- How do I want this person to experience me in this moment?
- How can I be both clear and curious?
- What can I do now to make it more likely they’ll engage with me openly and honestly again?
From there, managers need enough structure to be clear, stay curious, listen, and move the conversation toward a useful next step. The goal isn’t a perfect script. It’s helping them respond intentionally when the real moment arrives.
SUPPORT IT: Design Beyond the Workshop
There’s one more implication for L&D: The learning can’t end when the workshop does. Managers need opportunities to practice, apply the skill in real work, reflect on what happened, and receive reinforcement from their own managers.
That means designing the transfer path alongside the training:
- How will managers practice before they need the skill in a high-stakes moment?
- Where will they apply it on the job?
- How will their managers reinforce the learning in the normal rhythm of work?
- And what evidence will tell you the behavior is becoming more consistent?
The measures don’t have to be complicated. Look for earlier feedback conversations, clearer expectations, and fewer small issues becoming bigger performance or relationship problems. Over time, one useful downstream indicator may be fewer routine feedback issues coming to HR for intervention.
The goal isn’t for managers to remember a model. It’s for better feedback behavior to show up more consistently in real work.
What This Looked Like with a Client
In a recent engagement with a manufacturing client, the organization wanted leaders to strengthen psychological safety by inviting candor, responding constructively when employees spoke up, and maintaining clear standards and accountability. We designed the learning around everyday moments when a leader has to decide whether something needs attention and how to respond. That made SEE IT. SAY IT. SUPPORT IT. especially useful.
For SEE IT, leaders worked through a situation in which employees stayed silent after a new policy was introduced and, later, an employee privately raised concerns about how the policy was being applied. Before practicing what to say, leaders had to stop and make sense of the moment: What are you actually noticing? What might be happening beneath the surface? What are you assuming? Is there something here that needs to be addressed?
That same judgment is essential to feedback. A manager may see an employee become quieter, push back on a decision, or behave differently than expected. Before deciding what feedback to give, the manager has to determine what they’re actually seeing and separate the behavior from the story they may already be telling themselves about it.
For SAY IT, we focused less on memorizing perfect language and more on the mindset leaders brought into the conversation. Leaders reflected on what makes someone approachable, what makes people hesitate to speak honestly, and how their own defensiveness or assumptions could affect the response they gave. The goal was to help them enter the conversation curious enough to understand what was happening and clear enough to address what needed attention.
For SUPPORT IT, leaders left with a real situation they expected to encounter over the next 30 to 60 days, having identified what they wanted to practice. Their managers then reinforced the learning through ongoing 1:1 conversations about how they applied it and what they learned.
The work reinforced the central point for me: Feedback development has to build judgment, not just conversation technique. A manager can know exactly how to structure a feedback conversation and still miss the moment, misinterpret what they’re seeing, or address the wrong issue. Before we teach managers how to give feedback, we have to help them see the moment that calls for it.
Start One Step Earlier
For L&D, the design shift is simple: Don’t move directly from explaining feedback to practicing the conversation. First let managers notice a situation, name what’s happening, and decide whether it warrants action. Then practice the conversation and plan the follow-through.
The next time a stakeholder says, ‘Our managers need feedback training,’ start by asking what managers are noticing, what causes them to hesitate, and whether they’re addressing issues while they’re still small.
Managers do need better language for feedback. But language is useful only after they’ve decided to use it. If we want feedback to happen earlier and more consistently, L&D has to develop the skill that comes before the conversation: helping managers see the moment.
A Tool to Help Managers See the Moment
To make this easier to use, I’ve created a downloadable one-page SEE THE MOMENT: Feedback Reflection Guide. It helps managers separate what they observed from what they’re assuming and decide whether a moment needs attention before they worry about the exact words.
If you’re rethinking how your organization develops managers’ feedback habits, I’d love to hear what you’re seeing and what you’re trying to solve. Connect with me, and we can chat!
Image credit: Jacob Wackerhausen
